Enjoy some of the best steaks in Johannesburg, peruse the extensive wine list or sip…
So, disclaimer! We’re totally not advocating you stray beyond the confines of your marriage. All we’re saying is that should you find yourself in such a position (no judgement here) for whatever reason, here are some of Jozi’s best spots to lurk according to some of our helpful readers.
Literally a hole in the wall, if you don’t know this bar-cum-restaurant is there, you will certainly miss it. Sin+Tax in Rosebank is dark and cosy with just enough mood lighting to read the drinks menu but dark enough to allow you to dissolve into your surroundings. Which is why some people are there. Modelled on the New York concept of the speak-easy or secret bar hailing back to the days of prohibition in the USA, there is a cool sense of camaraderie at this place, kind of like everyone has your back.
Why: Most of the people here are trying to disappear from something anyway, so chances are that spotting you with your not partner is the last thing on their mind. There’s safety in their indifference.
What to order: Any of their cocktails!
Suggested intimacy level: This one’s generally safe for smooching and light body groping when it’s quiet or you don’t know anyone. If you’re feeling a little nervous then move to a cocktail table to create some distance between you. After midnight on the weekend, you can let loose a little more.
4 Bolton Rd, Parkwood, Rosebank
READ MORE ON NIGHTLIFE HERE.
Back of the Melrose Arch Pride Hotel bar
Sort of a library but maybe a Billiard room, the bar at the Melrose Arch Pride Hotel is kind of dark and a little bit seedy.
Why: Like Sin+Tax, no one there is really looking to meet anyone else, so you’re pretty much guaranteed your privacy. There are also lots of people seemingly having “business meetings” so you could easily blend in. For extra safetym go for one of the booths in the back corner or get a room. It is a hotel after all.
What to order: We can tell you without a shadow of doubt that this place serves possibly the best martini in Joburg. And we’ve had a martini or two in our day.
Suggested intimacy level: Given the business clientele, we’d caution against too much of a public display although a leg rub is pretty safe. If you do need to get a bit more physical, then book a room – that’s the advantage of this being a hotel.
1 Melrose Square, Melrose
011 214 6666
READ MORE ON DINING OUT HERE.
When pursuing some type of extra marital activity, time is not on your side. If you are looking to touch base with someone over a quick meal, then a place with quick service is essential. Lingering is risky.
Why: We are yet to wait longer than 20 minutes at any Tashas. Also, should you pay for the meal by card (which we don’t suggest), it’s much easier to explain a meal at Tashas with a friend or colleague than something like Marble or DW Eleven-13. As extra precaution perhaps try a Tashas a little way off from home or the office.
What to order: Ponzu crispy calamari.
Suggested intimacy level: This option is more if you need to catch up and talk. We would caution against physical shenanigans.
There are branches nationwide so check out their website to find one near you.
READ MORE ON OUR TOP 5 HERE.
The park ploy
This one requires both parties having pets and walking them. Going out to suddenly buy a dog that hasn’t been discussed or agreed on could look suspicious. So, this one is really for those with the existing dog-structure.
Why: If walking your dog is part of both your routines already, then this won’t seem out of the ordinary.
Suggested intimacy level: You can steal a kiss behind a tree or a bush, but chances are you’re also less likely to engage in public displays in front of your pooches – that’s just weird in any relationship, right?
Of course, there will be those occasions when you may need to just let go and not care who sees you. For these occasions we would suggest the old school hotel route – straight up. Do not collect R200, do not start in the bar or have lunch in the restaurant. Book a room and use it.
Don’t go to the same hotel every time as this increases the chance of the hotel staff catching on and possibly being called as a witness in court. Yes, we have watched all 6 seasons of Masters of Sex.
Try avoid paying for the room by card – that could raise questions later on.
Arrive and leave separately.
Candice, the Editor of Hello Joburg Magazine, is a coffee-drinking, fashion-obsessed lover of anything and everything lifestyle related. She’s also a self-confessed foodie, champagne enthusiast and devoted bargain hunter.